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03:32pm 26/01/2004
  LALALALALALLAAAAAAAA  
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To My Mother And Teachers   
03:40pm 25/01/2004
  Hello,
I appreciate your concern about me, and you have a right to be. But please do not make assumptions about my character from my entries. I made a small joke with my friend about fucking. Yet you assumed that was true eve nthough later in the entry it said that i don't and it was a joke. I am not easy..to tell you the truth I have never kissed a male being. O dear i may have sat on some laps of my friends but that means nothing. I am not a slut, not easy, not a bad person. even though sometimes people percieve me as one.
I am growing up in a different age where different ideas or things are found funny. i find it odd also that the only things i get recognized for are the bad. No good things can be found in my journals about me right? Well what do u think of my poetry. But never mind (nvm in AIm lanuage) because none of you will read this anyway.

One last note to my mother. If you feel the need to burst in on my life and try to take over i am sorry but you will be dissappointed. That is not the way to help me. You only hurt me by doing that. And at this point you have done so many times. I was having an absoultely wonderful day and you come in and question my virginity. I'm sorry but I am a virgin and you don't need t oask. I have never kissed a guy, i have kissed a girl before. there i said it mom. I'm bi! welcome to your daughters world. Don't talk to me about this though because it will only anger me more and make my life more of a hell than it already is. As for being a lady, i don't want t obe a lady. nor do i want to be perfect. Fuck lady like manners. I am not like that. i don't want to be a perfect lady. i want to be me. And you need to accept that. if you can't then maybe you don't want to be my mother. becasue i will never satisfy your yearning for a perfect child.


Please I hope no one talks to me about this entry because that would pain me even more. I do not want this to be mentioned. Just take what i said to heart. think about it. Try reading "Your Wrung Out Coloring Book" or "Alomost Amnesia" maybe they will be more pleasing than this entry.
 
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09:50pm 21/01/2004
  Ok, so journal is not going anywhere. I am fine thanks to Jen and Sarah, who rock more pantaloons than exisit in the world. (Mr. V. rocks also, but not as much as they do) so now i am going to repay this good deed they have done and try to do something for them.
i will start with Jen comments

Eli: shessss superDEduper andd the best girl scout everrrrrrrr
Leah: I like her
SonjaJens one of my top 5 people in the world.




Eli: i love that bluntttt cold girlll!!! shes the best everrr and soooo funnnnnnnny... but can beat me

Leah: she is dedicted to her enviormentalist beliefs that is really cool

Sonja: Sarah F. is my secret sister.

so these r all the peeps i found but i hope that the lsit will grow soon.
 
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06:25pm 21/01/2004
 
mood: blank
ok, so i hope u all know i wasn't acutally gonna do anything. i was just threatening because i was pissed. i wouldn't.

with that said you have a few days to say good bye to my LJ. the poems the pretty colors..etc...will be gone. but not me.
 
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.........bye   
11:32pm 19/01/2004
  I want to die. I wish i could. and i could have ended it all. all the pain and worry and suffering. All my troubles would be gone. And the safety pin was there. and i have 2 scrathes on my wrist. but i wimped out. and i can't do it. evne though i want to. I hate life. i really do. it is soo horrible and hard and i'm never good enough. not pretty enough not cool enough not smart enough. and i just want to end it. and the idea of that makes me smile. i haven't truly smiled in a long time. and all my poems and everything is true. i am an evil person and i want to die. i don't want to wake in the morning. i want to swallow all my rittalin and die from the things that try to make me perfect. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. all the times i could have and i never did. how stupid i was. goodbye.  
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5 Words Too Late   
09:54am 19/01/2004
  I came home late one night
Early morning eyes shut tight
I kissed those tender lips
but the joy would soon be chipped.

I arrived into a room
but i was so confused
uncovered blood against your wrists
I didn't know who i had kissed.

O I'm sorry for my bad deeds
and i'm sorry for my lonely needs
I'm sorry i let you burn
and i'm sorry but now its my turn

I was scared to tell for you
afraid of those fit you threw,
more and more.
So i kept it to myself
Locked up on a shelf.

O I'm sorry for my bad deeds
and i'm sorry for my lonely needs
I'm sorry i let you burn
and i'm sorry but now its my turn

And through the autumn rain
I bow my head in shame
For what i let you do
For what i put you through

O I'm sorry for my bad deeds
and i'm sorry for my lonely needs
I'm sorry i let you burn
and i'm sorry but now its my turn

and now i'm all alone
and you cannot not come home
the rain pours with my tears
as i recollect the years

O I'm sorry for my bad deeds
and i'm sorry for my lonely needs
I'm sorry i let you burn
and i'm sorry but now its my turn

And somewhere through the rain
A girl is bowed with shame
A scrapbook in her hands
So many pictures of a man.
 
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"wild horses couldn't drag me away..."   
11:26am 18/01/2004
 
mood: crappy
Last night blowed. I mean the acts were good etc...but my night was like...crap of all crap nights. I don't know why either. I just felt so alone in that room of 100 some people. I felt like no one wanted to be around me, or if they did, only the Cat with the facade. not the real me. i mean i guess i went back to me tonight by going all depressed and being a loner but whatever it was people don't like it.

ok so i got really depressed and went to sit by myself and people were milling all around me but i felt like i was invisible and at any second someone was going to take my chair and sit on me.

while i was sitting alone SP came over and said "wow u look bored." "yeah" "why don't you go home" "cause i can't" "o" and then left. what the hell. i swear i looked like i was about to commit suicide. i felt like i was gonna also. not that it would be a surprise if i did, i mean it would be just another attempt on my long list of em. i mean couldn't SP just have asked if i was ok? no. o well. but martha makes alot of things better.

i just feel like i am the friend that people talk to when their better friends aren't around. i wanna be in a cool cult. but no i am a loner. i am in the TPS culk but we don't hang out or have TPS people sleepovers. grumble.

today sam is coming over. YAY! i lvoe sam and all and i really wannahang out with him but today is just like the worst day for it. bad mood wanna just sit at my computer and bitch about all my problems. not a cool thing to do but i realyl do wanna do it. but i mean i don't wannaiss my chance to see my sam!!! cause he no go MOL next year. whimper. but i just wanna be alone.

I guess i have problems. but nate makes me laugh:
NateDaGreat2007: so cat do u still wanna fuckkk michael
TheCheeseTurtle: o ya u now me.
TheCheeseTurtle: lol i still like him yes
NateDaGreat2007: coolo
TheCheeseTurtle: y do u ask?
NateDaGreat2007: just curious
TheCheeseTurtle: really?
NateDaGreat2007: yep
TheCheeseTurtle: hows this question for ya ....u still wanna fuck claire? lol j-play
NateDaGreat2007: haha course i still wanna fuck claire.


ya highlight of l'day for me. and if that is my highlight i think something is wrong.


i am concocting a new poem, bt no one reads my LJ anyway so who cares.

o i will emphasize this again: NOT ON PROFILE, SADNESS!!!
 
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10:19pm 15/01/2004
  no on the profile anymore.


i feel like i am back to my old self. i don't like my old self. my old self was stupid. but i guess thats me.
 
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Almost Amnesia   
06:31pm 15/01/2004
 
mood: stressed
Triangles of despare
cutting my soul open again
back years ago
when little white pills
were never used to clear the mind
of colors and dazzling fantasies

Equal measures equaling destruction
of the love to live
to breath in faery songs
there is no magical healing spring
the love potion has been drained
there is no hope

Baby words and baby steps
fill pornographic shapes
but building blocks can't hold back
what once was
more white pills are consumed
to keep the dreams asleep.

shards of broken dreams
pierce the mind and settle
but the puzzle needs more rounded edges
softerlanket, not iron shields.
the scattered mind is left alone
to console its hurt among its own wreakage.

From one to another
a soul is conformed
molded like a piece of wax
to be that image of perfect.
70% water, 29% pills
only 1% is left of the dreams.
 
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Your Wrung out Coloring Book   
10:17am 11/01/2004
  So color me obvious
with your red of passion
and green of jealousy.
Fill my blank shape with markings
your crayons of hate and love mar my being.
You try to color me differently
because u don’t like that grayish white
of my lonely book

well maybe I’ll stick out for what u want
but I thought you wanted what u had
I was ready and you bought me
So you could fill me
with your bright distortions of my soul.

I know I wanted,
wanted to be completed by your colors
but I know I never wanted to be you,
you with your perfect visions.
well color outside of the lines,
I am not your picture.
Although I’m in your book.

I don’t want to be the plaything
for a child.
My seemingly colorless form to you
is my entire being.
But that’s rapidly changing

And as the other pictures look at me in scorn
For you have not filled them yet
They babble on in a drone of gray
About that picture you marred
The one so bright
But I am not known as the picture.
I am your picture
And all my colors reflect up on you.

As the light shines on my page once more
You realize that I am filled
And you cannot change me
For your crayons
Have left permanent marks on my flesh


They cannot be erased.
Not even the white one can fix me
I am no longer gray
I am you, your vision of me

so you move on
Another picture is being filled
Their soul is being twisted
And I watch as the other pictures laugh.
And that next victim of your crayons
begs for my help
But I can’t do anything
Cause I’m just your picture
Stuck where I am.
Unmoving in this grayish white world.
 
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"nobody's perfect that's what i said"   
10:03am 11/01/2004
  i am writing the poem that i love more than the world!!! i feel like Dani. a good poet i mean.

lol i will post it. eventually. i believe i will. mebbe not. i hope i can go to matts tonight!!

and i am going t omarthas inn feb, not jan, cause she can't clean her room. stupid rob!!!! (her rob) i be slighty mad at him. but by them i will definitely be able to go!!!
w0ot w0ot! i guess
 
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"long story short, yeah long story short!"   
09:01pm 09/01/2004
  Ok, so life has been good but i am still depressed alot. i think it is from my life never changing and nothing ever happening. i go to school, argue with my parents and sit in my room talking to people. but i never do anything. i mean ok, today some of my friends were going somewhere but they didn't invite me despite the fact that i had to catch a bus to get to the train to get to my mom's car to get home to argue to eat and to sit here writing things no one cares about on my livejournal.

see, i bet u don't even care, and r like..."cat what the hell. that was a big runon sentance." uh huh i know how ur minds work


well said person talked to me alot today. it has been two days straight that he has started convos with me!!! YAY!! i am pretty happy about that. o and said person smashed me into a wall. i just got back at him...HAHA.


Dani showed me more poetry she has written!! AMAZING! as usual.

Well, apparently not many people know that i like said person. weird!! i thought everyone would know cause i told him. *looks around* good secret keeper. said person i mean.


i love Deanna.


ok feeling better. (a bit of time has passed since i started this and now have finished it. done!)
 
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"and they never knew nothing of love.."   
08:43pm 07/01/2004
 
mood: depressed
Today is my baby's birthday!!!! Go my martha!! she is 15!! YIPPEE. I am soo proud! hehe i called her in the morning and it was fun!!oo and in the afternoon. i get to take the bill today, it's her b-day so it ispart of my gift!!
i love you martha!! my best friend in the world!!!!!!

I talked to Dani and we excahnged poems (martha...peoms!! el peoma!! ooo lol) and she is awsome. her poetry is soo moving! i as like...WHOA! yeah she rocks!!

well..today...was....today. i mean nothing was really bad except my mother was being a biznatch (dan L. hehe) and well, it was one of those day where u get really depressed but u have no idea why. I did carve hate into my fudge. i am slightly depressed. well not uncommon right? the answer is right! I dunno, just really really depressed but damn the day got better, when what appeared on mike's profile. well i'll let u look nd see his profile:



"character is defined by how hard you work when people are not watching"

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."

"If you don't know me don't judge me"

"My songs belong in the Bible with King David
I teach niggaz sign language, that ain't def son
*click* *click* you heard that? That mean RUN
-50
click for a random deep thought

andie is the coolest person in the world

cat is the coolest person in the world

allen is the coolest person in the world

mary is def not the coolest person in the world





yes yes, i am on there. as a cool person!!! OOOOOO. nicey nice. lol 10th kingdom reference. hehe.


ok so day got better. still depressed. o well.
 
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10:09pm 05/01/2004
  THese things always say how i am an idividual, and special somehow. what the fuck? honestly, i am no different han any other being who walks this planet. plain jane. normal teen. y are they convinced i am so different from everyone one? WHAT R THEY SMOKING?

lets see the only major difference i can see is that i am morel onely than most. one of those truthful things. i can be in a crowd and feel like the only one there. but other than that stuff...no individuality!! i am like everyone. mediocre at everything and not going anywhere in life. gas stations rn't too bad, right?

here, see for your selfCollapse )
 
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"Now life has killed the dream i dreamed"   
08:54pm 04/01/2004
  There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
 
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12:49pm 04/01/2004
  ok, so today i talk to martha and did all my homework. or will do all my homework. i need to stop taking quizzes!!! lol. martha is my baby!! except that she is older and taller than me.



o yeah i went to london. it was fun. jerry springer the opera rocked my pantaloons!!!!


i wrote a song there.

u can request to hear it. just comment. and i will sing it for u sometime.

ok, i hafta talk to martha and do hw.
 
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12:07pm 04/01/2004
 
mood: amused
hehe tons tons tons of more of more quizzesCollapse )
 
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09:15pm 03/01/2004
 
The Potion Maker
sexyplatypusium is a cloudy, soft indigo solid pulled from the sap of a prickly-pear cactus.
Mix with sexyplatypus! Username:
Yet another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern




i need t ocut back. today was odd.
ok so i'm obsessedCollapse )


quizzes are my life, as well as martha.
 
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"Though I do believe in you, yes I do"   
08:58pm 03/01/2004
 
mood: drained
ok i got this one first on the "What Type of Soul Are You" quiz


Sorrowful
As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla



I changed one thing for kicks and got this:

Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla



OMG! i took this quizz, and i am HAPPYFULL!! it is amazing!



Milton


What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
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06:51pm 03/01/2004
  </center> </center>


No! Isn't that awesome? Yay you! You've won the quiz and will be just fine as your tough woman self.


hehe i love quizzzzzes
 
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